5 Ways USAirways Tortured Me on My Recent Domestic Flight

Had they painted it thus, maybe the geese would have turned around

1) By disallowing access to the business class cabin’s pissoir even though I was seated in the bulkhead, the rear lavatories were booked solid, and the narrow A320 aisles combined with a slow-moving snack cart spelled peepee emergency in the making. Another example of common decency being as foreign to the airlines as are functioning neurons to Sarah Palin’s brain.

2) By flinging that curtain separating business class from the lower castes in my face, making it virtually impossible to flirt with flight attendants of either sex up front and come on bitches you know they’re always cuter closer to the cockpit.

3) By presenting passengers with one of the most boring in-flight magazines ever (maybe not as bad as Air Ukraine’s) — with the temerity of a cover boast of the “best-kept secret in Central Florida”. Keep it under wraps, corporate — I don’t want to know.

4) By employing a pilot, who, when queried (on the ground) for a story (printed below), gave a snarkier retort than any commercial pilot should be allowed to give.

5) I can’t even talk about it.

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